


The Quarantine Chronicles

by LibraFolie



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Genre: Albeit somewhat dark humor, Artemis Is All Of Us, Humor, One Shot, Quarantine inspired, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29760282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraFolie/pseuds/LibraFolie
Summary: Artemis takes social distancing seriously.
Relationships: Artemis Fowl II & Holly Short, Domovoi Butler & Artemis Fowl II, Juliet Butler & Artemis Fowl II
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	The Quarantine Chronicles

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to @JustAnotherBlonde for the beta read! 
> 
> Please note that this does take place in "actual" 2020 with like, the actual pandemic. No one actually gets the virus, but depending on whether pandemic-related humor is cathartic or too close to home for you, please proceed (or not) accordingly.
> 
> There may be additional one-shots coming.... TBD

_This will all be fine,_ Artemis thought as he washed his hands for the fortieth time that day. He hummed the first few stanzas of Mozart’s Serenade No. 13 in G Major as he scrubbed his hands clean.

He stared back at his disheveled reflection in the bathroom mirror. His thick black hair was an unruly mess, and he had dark circles under his eyes from a persistent bout of insomnia. He’d been wearing the same plain black Armani tracksuit for three days in lieu of his usual custom-tailored suit. Well, they could hardly go to the dry cleaner’s, so he had to ration his more formal attire.

When he wasn’t compulsively washing his hands or contributing to the vaccine research effort, Artemis had taken to pacing restlessly across the foyer, partly to get out his nervous energy, and partly to make sure the rest of the residents of Fowl Manor had taken his orders seriously.

He was doing just that when Juliet scampered down the stairs, decked out in trainers and neon workout clothes.

Artemis’s eyes trailed down from her ponytail to her hot-pink Lululemon tights. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“For a run,” Juliet said innocently.

“Around the manor grounds, I hope.”

Juliet crossed her arms. “Around the neighborhood,” she said coolly, her gaze challenging him.

Artemis bit back the urge to explode. “Juliet. We are in the midst of a global pandemic. I think you’ll survive going for a jog amidst the beautifully manicured paths of Fowl Manor.”

Juliet rolled her eyes and huffed like a grounded teenager. _Very mature,_ Artemis thought.

Just then, he spotted Butler strolling across the foyer.

“Butler.”

Butler stopped in his tracks. “Yes, Artemis?”

“Where are _you_ off to?”

“I’m going grocery shopping,” Butler said placidly. “We need food.”

Artemis closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “What part of ‘ _no one enters or leaves the premises_ ,’” he said slowly, “is so difficult to understand?”

“Well we do need to eat,” Butler pointed out.

“Get it delivered!” Artemis cried. “I’m sure if my family can run a criminal empire from this house, we can get someone to drop the fucking groceries off. And make sure to leave it in the garage for forty-eight hours before bringing it into the house.”

Butler and Juliet watched him warily.

“Artemis,” Butler said calmly. “I think you need to relax.”

Artemis wheeled around to face him, a manic look in his eye. “Oh, no. I do _not_ go down this easily, Butler. I am not about to let a bag of crisps be my undoing. No one sets foot outside the property until I find a vaccine. And that’s final.”

“It’s a free country,” Juliet grumbled.

Artemis jabbed a finger at her. “It is _that_ kind of attitude that got us here in the first place. Perhaps if people were willing to give up a bit of personal freedom for the common good, we wouldn’t have such a massive fucking disaster on our hands.”

“Well sorry if I’m not following how going for a jog around the block is going to fuel our collective demise,” Juliet snapped. “Unless someone’s gonna jump out from the bushes and cough on me.”

“You think you’re joking,” Artemis said, “but I wouldn’t put it past these people. You all should be _grateful_ that we have such an extensive network of walking paths on the grounds.” He glared between the two Butlers. “We are not taking chances. End of story. If you need me, I’ll be in my laboratory, trying to get us out of this mess. And I know what you’re thinking.” He turned accusingly to Juliet. “There are cameras at the gates, so I _will_ know if you disobey my orders.”

Juliet scoffed, rolling her eyes once again.

“Heya, Artemis.”

Artemis stumbled back from where Holly had materialized, covering his mouth. “Get away, Holly!”

Holly scratched her head. “That’s a bit of a frosty reception, even from you.”

“Artemis,” Juliet said impatiently. “She’s not even a human.”

“Oh,” Artemis said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Would you like to show me the research paper that says fairies can’t spread it? _Cats_ can get it, Juliet.” Honestly, being the only reasonable person around was incredibly taxing sometimes.

Holly raised a brow. “Is something the matter?”

“Global pandemic,” Butler supplied. “Artemis is… taking extra precautions.”

“I see.” Holly considered. “Well, I don’t think fairies _can_ get human diseases. And even if we did, it would be healed with magic, right?”

Artemis stared at her, unconvinced. “This particular disease is really a bitch, Holly. Get back underground while you still have the chance.”

Holly’s mouth twitched. “Don't worry. You were my first stop on the surface.”

“Indeed, Holly,” Artemis said, straightening his tracksuit. “To what do we owe the honor?”

“Dwarf cell gone rogue,” Holly said. “Make sure to dwarf-proof your locks.”

“Sounds like a job for Mulch Diggums.”

“Mulch is on vacation, actually,” Holly said. “In Vegas. Apparently they have some great promotions going on right now.”

_Like fuck they do._ Artemis wasn’t sure which was more upsetting: That Vegas was still open, or that Mulch would be mingling amongst the hardcore gambling addicts. “Let us hope dwarves can’t catch the virus, then. Which, if I had to guess, I’d say they probably can.”

Holly placed a hand on Artemis’s shoulder. He allowed it. “Artemis. You seem stressed. Maybe you should take some time for yourself. I find a hot bath can do wonders.”

“Yes,” Juliet agreed. “And maybe a nice, long nap afterwards.”

Artemis rubbed his sleepless eyes. “I suppose you’re right. Perhaps a little relaxing will help me come up with a breakthrough for this vaccine question.”

“That’s the spirit,” Holly said. “Take care of yourself. You’ll have plenty of time to save the world later. I could even _mesmer_ you to sleep, if you like.”

“Could you?” Artemis said desperately.

“Sure,” Holly said. “I’m sure Butler can carry you off to bed. In fact, I think you’re getting sleepy already.”

“I… I think… Yes….” Artemis swayed, feeling his consciousness slip into a deep slumber. He was asleep before he fell into Butler’s waiting arms.

**Author's Note:**

> I have created a [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/librafolie). Not totally sure where I'm going with it, but feel free to check it out.


End file.
